Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in vosch_karanek's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
8:49 pm	Post Correction Aloha lads and lasses... Just a real quickie update. I like these because there is no real "bad" news to report which makes this post a "good" post. *smiles* Just a quick correction from my last post. I am going to SC with the Angel this weekend, not next like I had posted. The good thing about this is I don't have to wait, however, the bad thing is it means I am going to be forced to deal with mom's birthday. The Angel has a very busy schedule the next few weeks and will be out West once we get back. However, maybe this is a good thing. Since my mother's departure I have not truly allowed myself to grieve. I have had moments, I admit, but to say I have truly grieved, I can't say I have. I think I will call my brother and do something and I definitely need to get flowers out to my sister so she can place them on mom's grave. This is gonna be tough. *sighs* But aside from that, all is going rather well. I am finally getting the restraints loosened at work. That means I am able to finally do some of the things I was hired to do. It makes me feel good, because even though it means my days are a lil more hectic and longer, I feel like I have accomplished something and that makes me feel productive and positive. Whelp, time to finally address the one post where I asked those 6-8 questions. You know the one about what animal reminds me of you, and the one question I would want to ask, etc. Gonna do three tonight and the others once I have figured out the animal part. That is the hardest thing to do, because anyone who knows me knows I am not happy with just saying dog or cat... I need to use a breed of some sort too. *lol* So on that note... Wishing you all well. Off to do the post and watch the All-Star Game. Oh and as a side note for the Angel... WHIRLPOOLS ARE GOOD!!!!!!! Need to try it sometime... *winks* Toodles Current Mood: content Current Music: MLB All-Star Game (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
6:50 pm	Just an Update Hello all. I am not really sure where this update is going to lead to, but such is the way my life has been as of late... a lot of mystery that has been a lil part enjoyment, a lil part frustration and a whole lot of status quo. I did have a momentary breakdown about my mom. Her birthday is coming up in a few weeks, the first since her passing... July 23. I found myself fighting back tears as I was watching "A League Of Their Own." I know it is a comedy and far from a tear jerker, but the strongest bond I had with my mother was the years of coaching softball with her... so of course watching woman playing baseball, reminded me of softball, which in turn reminded me my mom is not there to "coach" any more... *sighs* My sister-in-law was here with me while my brother was working on the house, so I think I did an okay job at fighting back the emotion, but a few tears did break through. There is one silver lining in that if I have my dates correct, The Angel will once again be my saving grace all-be-it by accident. I should be on the road with her coming back from South Carolina (or at least getting ready to head back) on that date. We are going down so that she can get reacquainted with a dear girlfriend of hers. I am looking forward to the trip. I value any time I can scoop from the Angel's busy schedule. :-) I am also in the process of planning a trip to see the Montreal Maiden in August which should be a blast. I am still trying to decide if I will fly or drive. I guess the real key will be if I get off my duff and get my passport, which means changing my license and registration over first. Gosh I can be such a procrastinator at times. Anywho, I am supposed to be going August 18-20 to see her. Been talking to her about other things too, but let's face it... when it comes to those "other" things it is hard for me to consider other people when I keep holding on to one thought... but eh, I am having a good time with the game even if it does frustrate the living hell out of me at times. One day I will just have to bite the bullet and say the words and let the chips fall where they may... I just hope that God and Mom let me know when the right time to do that will be... But until then... I will keep trudging along and playing the game... *winks* Also am very glad to hear that two of my dearest friends are planning on tying the knot. If you are in the loop then you know who they are. I know that the bride-to-be prefers to spread her own news, so I won't even use monikers here, but congrats and hugs to both. I am very happy for the two of them and I hope one day to be able to join them in the "couple's" club with someone special of my own. Also planning a trip to Disneyland in 2007... most likely September/October. Next week or so I will hit this travel agent down the street to get a cost idea. I am going with the Angel... *YIPPEEEEE!!!!* She agreed to accompany me, although I do have one quandary about the trip... That is... the Angel doesn't like flying, so how do I get her to CA in a timely fashion... Ah well... it is a challenge I don't mind undertaking because her company is worth it... *smiles* and I think it will be fun for both of us. Whelp that's it for now. Work has been good and steady. But now it is time for me to find food... diabetes calling... *winks* which by the way things are okay on the health front. Not great, but not bad either... basically status quo which is a good thing overall. Toodles to all... laters. Current Mood: content Current Music: Jurassic Park - The Movie (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
4:28 pm	Posting cuz of #8... *winks* Leave your name and: 1. I'll respond with something random about you 2. I'll challenge you to try something 3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you 4. I'll tell you something I like about you 5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you 6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of 7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you 8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours Current Mood: inquisitive (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
5:17 am	What "Dreams" May Come Hello to all my fellow members of my kingdom, and those in bordering lands. I know it has been some time since my last post. Things are much better as of late. I have finally muddled through the gambit of emotions that comes when losing someone as close as my Mom. I went through the shock, the depression, the anger, the defiance, the tears and finally have reached the borders of acceptance. My mother was the glue that held the family together. It is kind of ironic that in life she worked so hard to bring her family together and keep it together, but her ultimate goal would be reached through her passing. It has opened the door to a new found communication with my father, which has been estranged at best for years, brought me closer to my sis and brother, and made me realize to treasure those I truly care about and love no matter what the level of relationship and to be more attentive to their existence; meaning, don't take what I have for granted because one day it just might not be there. Over the past few days I have had several dreams of the type that I call, "Michael Landon" dreams. No they aren't of him, thank God, but they are the kind that touch me enough to make me remember even after I have awoken. They have evoked enough emotion to make me feel spent but comforted all at the same time, if that makes any sense. In these few dreams, my heart has been telling me who I truly miss and reminds me not to forget them. Some of the characters of my dreams are the usual suspects, aka, the Necromantic Elf Queen who as of late has been my grounding rod for negative emotions, the Diamond Princess who is my bestest friend in the whole world and her two kids, the Angry Lawn Gnome Commander (I am so proud of you... keep up the great work), and of course; and this goes without saying, the Angel who has stuck by me throughout the emotional roller coaster. I know it hasn't been easy especially when I am in one of my "moods." The list of those a care about is long and distinguished, but the surprises to me have been reminded by my heart in my dreams. The first is the lil Miss. We have had our run-ins in the past, butted heads, argued, and yet even though I seem to be the "only" person to bring out your dominant side, I miss ya none the less. The dream I had reminded me of home. I was walking down the road by my old house and the lil Miss and I were just talking. We talked about relationships, both good and bad aspects of them and consoling each other about our plights. It was actually kind of corny, but cool all in one fell swoop. The Brujah Princess was also there with her lil one, doing her motherly thing watching of the scene. It may not sound all that exciting or grand to you, but to me, it reminds me I miss them. Then there is Foxy. I am not sure what triggered that dream accept that I truly miss her. She, like the Lady of the South, and I became friends way to late. I found myself drawn to her instantaneously. The dream was simple enough. She and I were in my old apartment in Uxbridge, MA, sitting on the couch talking and playing cribbage. We laughed about nothing, making jokes that most would not consider all that funny, but they made us laugh and that is all that is important. That dream made me realize how much I miss her and our on-line card games. I hope I can track her down and get reacquainted and start them back up. Then there is the Montreal Maiden. I was so lucky that I got to see her at the Gremlin Queen's graduation. She is awesome. I have been dreaming about her a lot. All of these dreams were good. Forgive me if I don't explain these, however, because I still want to keep some things to myself... *snickers* Suffice to say, each one brought a smile and a sense of comfort to me. As I said before, the cast that makes up my friends I care about is long and distinguished, so in closing I would just like to say: Thank you all for being there, it means so much. *hugs to everyone* and please feel free to contact me at will. *winks* Current Mood: content (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 13th, 2006
4:14 am	Whelp it's 4:15 am and I am having problems sleeping... so I figured I might as well update everyone as to what improvements have been happening. Yep I said improvements. The last lengthy rant I made was negative and it even unerved me as I reviewed it. I have come to some revelations in my life the past few days and weeks, basically my role and how I should move on with my life's goals and aspirations. I have lacked something for so long that it nearly drove me to the brink... so in a final act of defiance... I backed up my emotions into the garage, closed the doors, and threw away the key. Then I stepped outside after the separation and with morter and brick, have begun to build my wall which will successfully guard it. Now that being said... there is a small secret passage way I have left open for a select few. Now it may not be the few you think. I have had to look for new grounding points for my emotions and have found a couple. Unfortunately they are back in Mass and one in Canada, but that is good in a way because it will make sure I don't become too emotionally dependant, as I have in the past. Now that the bricks are in place, my heart is safe and I can now look for the surrogate I need to fill the void. That is security. Security in myself, my own well being, my financial independance. Since God has chosen to have love and emotion be my advisary and ellude me, might as well give the mighty finger and persue wealth... LOL... it isn't the best replacement, but eh, it will do... and it keeps me from dwelling on things. So for those who would care, I am fine and rebounding. And to those few who have the secret passage information through my new fortress, i.e. the Necromantic Elf, the Lady of the South, and one or two others I deem worthy, guard it well for my heart's safety is in your hands. Laters. Current Mood: defiant (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
12:35 am	Current Mood: blah (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:32 am	Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Monday, March 20th, 2006
4:11 pm	A Penguin Sighs I warn you that this particular entry is not the normal. Now before people read this and give me the "Oh God, Grow Up!" or "What do you have to be down about?" speech, all I can say is that if you haven't battled clinical depression then you will most likely not understand. If you have, then you will understand and won't even think about a lecture. I was on my way home today after work when it hit me. It was that deep, dark sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that hurts so much that it makes me want to cry like a little baby, but I fight it because my logical side tells me not to be so stupid. I sat at the various red lights in traffic and couldn't stop thinking, "What is wrong with me? Why is it that I can have so many friends, but no one special. Why is it that God has decided that I am not worthy of finding anyone who likes me, let alone loves me?" I have tried everything from trying too hard, to not trying at all. I have been the saint and the sinner... the hero and the heel. I have tried every age range, well... almost... and nothing to show for it. I have since relocated to a new place, got a new job, burried myself in work, am even finally in the black for the first time since I can't remember when. My health is better and people are saying I am looking much better too, but yet I am still empty and alone. It feels as if sometimes it is all just a placation of sorts. 'Let's tell him this so he will go away.' I know in my heart that is not the case, but still it feels that way at times. The funny thing is that there is one or two that even say, "Why can't I have the same as others?" "Find a nice guy/boyfriend?" or "I am jealous of this one or that one." And yet all they would have to do is say yes, but alas... I don't have long hair or the perfect build... or whatever anyone is looking for. Sometimes I think my improvement in health is a curse even, because now I will be able to live oh so much longer in this exile. *Looks up* Gee Thanks. At least when I was staring death in the face, the end on my doorstep, I could take solice that the one thing I look for, the one thing I truly need and can't have would no longer matter. And yet like a cruel joke that God continues to play on me, do I die... NOPE... he takes the one person that I lived for instead. Now I have no one. At least when my mother was around, I had a reason to not be doing something stupid. I knew that as tempting as "kissing the bridge" might be, it would kill her and that gave me the moment of pause I would need to shake my head and figure how to drugde on through the quagmire that is my depression. As I sat at the light on M-59 where it goes from Hall Road to the expressway, the bridge was more enticing then ever. I couldn't think of anything but, 'I could hit it at 70-80 no problem. Maybe even 90 just to make sure.' I had forgotten everything and everybody and just blanked as I spiraled on the verge of out of control. I am not quite sure why I didn't do it. I don't know what snapped me out of my hypnotic trance and fixation. All I know is that I started to think. Easter is coming. Another holiday with no one to spoil. And what's worse is while all the positive things indicate that moving was the right thing to do because I successfully was able to isolate myself from what was the drama and stress of New England, I also successfully isolated myself from anyone that I could use as a surrogate to spoil in-lieu-of that special someone... much to my chegrin. I don't know anymore. With my mother gone, I no longer have anyone to live for, and I have noted that my time in depression has grown. I feel like there is no one who really cares. No one I can talk to you without being a burden or have them unserstand my emotions. My logical side knows that there are many who do care, but again my heart pains so much and also knows that there is no one who really cares the way I need them to. If I died tomorrow, maybe a few tears would meander forth along with a brief sniffle or two, but it would be short lived and they would move on with their lives and their partners and their friends... and I would just fade into obscurity. Maybe that is a good thing... I just don't know... My soul is lost and that scares me because I can't find it and don't no where else to look. Current Mood: depressed (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
4:53 pm	I guess there was no "Penguin King" option Your results: You are Spider-Man Spider-Man 70% Catwoman 65% Green Lantern 60% Superman 55% The Flash 55% Supergirl 40% Iron Man 40% Batman 35% Hulk 35% Robin 27% Wonder Woman 20% You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility. Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz... Current Mood: amused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
5:07 pm	As most of you already are aware, my mother, Carol Ann (Paquette) Blanchard past away on March 3, 2006, at 06:44 at St. Vincent's Hospital in Worcester Massachusetts. It isn't easy to lose someone you love, especially when it is someone of the quality that she was. She loved everyone unconditionally. It made no difference whether you were sis or mom, child, ex-husband, kid on her bus, kid she knew from softball, friend or stranger, she loved all. I am going to miss her so much. To all of my friends, I thank you for your support. You have no idea how much you have helped me through this ordeal. My family all commented on how many of you showed up, and how many more of you passed along your condolences and the offer of a shoulder or ear. I am very lucky. To the Necromantic Elf Goddess... (lol... that's right... I have now deemed you a goddess cuz I can) thank you so much. In a very short time I feel more connected with you then most. Now granted I believe it is because we are closer in age, but I also believe it is because you have a lot of the same loving and generous qualities that my mother had which lends me to open up very easily to you. I could say a lil something about each and everyone of my friends, but then you would have to spend about an hour reading my post... and my posts are wordy enough as it is... so once again... I just say thank you and love you all. I am sure as I digest the events of the recent past I will post more, especially when those special memories come through or as those special holidays come around, (which for my mom was every holiday except for maybe V-J day which is only celebrated in Rhode Island)... but for now... I need to regain my strength and intestinal fortitude. Thank you mom and continue to watch over all us as we move on through life. =============================================================================== MILLBURY— Carol A. (Paquette) Blanchard, 60, of 27 Howe Ave., died Friday, March 3rd in St. Vincent Hospital, Worcester. She leaves her former husband, Walter B. Blanchard Jr. of East Providence, R.I.; a daughter, Cheryl L. Fleming of Woonsocket, R.I.; two sons, Kevin B. Blanchard and Walter T. Blanchard both of Detroit; her mother, Doris Paquette of Millbury; a sister, Joan Stanley of Southbridge; a grandson, Trevor Blanchard; nephews and nieces. She was born in Worcester and is predeceased by her father, Adolphus Paquette. Mrs. Blanchard was a school bus driver for the towns of Uxbridge and Douglas for 29 years. She was a member of St. Brigid’s Church and was a founder of the Uxbridge Lassie League, a softball league. Her funeral will be held Monday, March 6th from Mulhane Home for Funerals, 45 Main St., Millbury, with a Mass at 10 a.m. in St. Brigid’s Church, 59 Main St., Millbury. Burial will be in Central Cemetery, Millbury. Calling hours are 2 to 5 p.m. Sunday, March 5th in the funeral home. On line guestbook and directions - www.mulhane.com (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 23rd, 2006
5:59 am	Dreams continue Whelp, not sure why, but the dreams keep coming and in many different genres. Ever since the last dream that I had posted, it has been as if someone opened the flood gates. At least last night wasn't a "Michael Landon" dream as I call them. A Landon dream, so you understand, usually involves a child or children in dire straights that I struggle to help or am relegated to the sidelines as I watch scenes unfold. The scenarios are like that from Landon's series, "Highway to Heaven." So for those who truly know me, and how I feel about children, those dreams wear me out. There is only so much cancer or other horrid disease, or abuse, or other terrible situations that one can fight through to protect the innocent that one can handle. I have had two such dreams the two nights prior. I did have a favor pleasurable but yet odd cameo in the second dream, however. The Angel walked into my dream, walked up to me, licked my nose with a quick flick of her tongue like a small child would on an ice cream cone that was a tad too cold. She smiled and without a word walked away. My expression was one of confussion and dumb-foundedness... O_o When I woke up all I could do was think and then smile. Sometimes I wonder what my real life reaction would actually be if that truly happened. Last night's dream, however, was one of "those" dreams as I think the Angel would call it. *lol* It was not explicit, except for one scene. It would be rated NC-17, not XXX. I very rarely remember those dreams. What was odd about this dream, however, was who was in it. It starred of all people that I couldn't imagine in such a dream, the Softball Babe. Now I haven't truly thought of her since I moved out here but one short conversation I had with her on my birthday. And she is one of the three people I truly love and would definitely would stand in front of a moving bus for (the other two know who they are). Yet it was still odd, because as much as I truly love her, she is NOT the first one to be in one of "those" dreams. Now I do know where the stimulus for this dream came from... *evil winks to the Pouncing Kitten because of 'her' lj posts* but why the Softball Babe. I know I have always had a secret thing for her, even though if we were to hook up in real life we would probablly kill each other. *chuckles* Thank God she said yes to her hubby before I asked her out... that actually made us closer, if that makes sense; but why her? I can only surmise that it was because of the external stimulus combined with my missing her. I will have to call her soon to hear her voice and see how she and the kids are doing. Anyway... off to work now. Sorry if this was more of a ramble, rather then anything else... but this is one scenario I kinda want to remember... because it has to do with one of my loves and I believe... my soulmate in this life. Current Mood: confused, but in a good way (Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
5:40 pm	Dreams A very good friend of mine posts her dreams on her live journal. Now I never knew quite why, but whilst I was in the shower this morning, I came to a possible hypothesis. It is because she wants to remember. The dream I had last night is one that I want to remember. "Why?" you might ask. The answer is quite simple actually; it is the first dream I have had that left enough of an impact that I remembered it when I awoke since coming to Michigan. It reminded me of certain people that I miss. It was actually strange, because when I have these types of dreams, they are usually laced with visions of angels or angry lawn gnomes and their commander in particular. However, they didn't make it into this dream, most likely because I have seen the Angel recently and talked with ALGC just last night. Let me set the stage. I know it wasn't an actual wedding, but it was a wedding type atmosphere. It was the Lord and Lady renewing their wedding vows to each other, or at least that is what I surmise. The Lady was running around with her digital camera taking pictures, focusing on those that were in their wedding party the first go around. There was also something else special. The lady wore a sheer pink outfit and was very pregnant. She glowed and the Lord in his usual humorous way was beaming. He wasn't beaming in the "look what I did, proud papa to be" sort of way, but in a loving, caring, and nurturing kind of way. I don't usually remember words to my dreams, but I remember these words that he spoke to the Lady: "I love you," and "You are so adorable." I laugh as I think about it, mostly because adorable is not a word I would normally use for the Lady. Sexy, sassy, yummy... those are words I would use, but adorable? And yet as I think about her running around playing host and photographer, and mom-to-be... the word adorable became more appropriate. Then I remember the metis stood up to speak. I only name him that because that is what he was playing when I first met him at the Duke's LARP. He looked far from the role he played at the game. Long blond hair and neat goatee; blue suit and this funky but cool Panama hat. I don't know why, but the hat appeared on one other's head as you will see. He gave a very short speech, kind of in the mode of a best man. I remember the Duke, who also looked quite dashing, looked upon the Metis and the Lord witha smile and a nod of approval. Now in all dreams there are some wierd sections. This one had a wierd section as well as the Duchess wore this very outdated, hippee, flower power dress. I am not sure if she wore because she thought it was cool or as a joke, but all had a good time at her expense. Even she couldn't help but laugh. Then I flash to my table, where sitting with me is the Gremlin Queen and the Pouncing Kitten. They both looked awesome. The Gremlin Queen was decked out in a beautiful forest green blouse with black slacks. I remeber that while we were at the table, we were actually sitting on the floor. That was kind of wierd. It was funny because every time I would flirt with her, it was amazing how the Gremlin King would shoot me that look he has. You know the one that basically says, "It's a good thing I know you are joking or I would have to kill you." He wore a blue dress shirt opened at the collar and black khakis. The Gremlin King and Queen looked awesome together. My favorite memory of the dream, however, was of the pouncing kitten. Every time I would get to preoccupied with the Gremlin Queen I would feel this light spritz of water. When I turned to look, it was the Pouncing Kitten tossing her hair. Now I don't know why her hair was wet, especially since she was wearing the same hat that the Metis wore earlier. The kitten would smile and then I realized what I missed most about her. Anyone who knows how we act together in real life, knows and might even assume it is two of her best assets that I miss most... and I do miss them. *winks* But it is her smile and her hair and her loving ways I miss most. I think it is because she has really been there to help from afar to adjust to my new life, especially when I was down. The Angel could only do so much, as she too has her life to deal with, so the kitten filled in when I needed her most. The Kitten too looked awesome; perhaps the best there. She wore all black which hugged her just right in every way. And again her hair came out from underneath the Panama hat, and I could smell the fruity smell of her conditioner. GOD I LOVE GIRL'S HAIR... lol... As I was about to leave the festivities, I remember hugging the Lady and saying goodbye when there was a tug on my pant leg. I looked down and it was one of my old penguin court from back east. The Protector's son looked up and asked if he could have a hamburger. After a chuckle I nodded and said, "As long as it is okay with mom." I looked up briefly to see the Protector hob-nobbing with folks. I surveyed everyone one last time and then faded to black as all of sudden my alarm went off I and awoke for the day. I don't know if the dream has any significance or underlying meaning. I do know, however, it made me smile and made me think of all I left behind. Even though my new life has begun, and is progressing very well so far, I will never forget any of you. And if you didn't get mentioned in the dream, it means one of two things... either A) You are in the sequel or B)You are in a dream that I probably should keep safely tucked away... *evil grins and winks to the Necromantic Elf* Loves All and will stay in touch. *flipper waves for now* Current Mood: peaceful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 16th, 2006
12:07 pm	Time to Migrate It has been a long time since I have updated my journal, I know. I have been so busy trying to make things work out that some things, such as blogging, have to take a back seat. I have also kind of avoided the lj for a spell because I didn't want to know some things that I eventually found out about anyway. But all of that aside, what has been happening overall, has been positive and uplifting. When I first moved out to Michigan, things were a bit rougher then I had anticipated. I knew the job offer was on the horizon, but I didn't know which offer would be given. In all honesty it was rapidly approaching the point of "I don't care, just make the offer." Combine that stress, with the stress of being in a new place with very little opportunity for social ineteraction, I became lonely and started on a bout of depression. The Angel helped out, but her schedule is always tight and I didn't want to lean too much on her. My fear of burning her out weighed heavily. I turned to the pouncing kitten and the ALGC for consolement and they both aided me so much. I don't truly know how much they helped me through just by listening (or reading on the IM as it were). The Angel also played and still is playing a major role in my adjustment. I have also begun to become reacquainted with some other friends I made at Trinity Con through a couple of games I have become involved with. I am also starting to make new friends too. The people as a whole here are so different. They are so friendly and warm and open... well as long as they are not behind the wheel of a moving vehicle. I swear, the reason they are so nice is because most leave there aggressive side on the highway. Driving in Michigan is not for the timid or weak... lol... only the strong survive on these roads. They make Mass drivers look like like little old people in comparrison. And best of all... NO DRAMA!!! Not a lick anywhere. I have looked high and low, because I don't believe it. Now they tell me there is some that exists, but they must deal with it differently. It is such a calm and relaxed atmosphere. I n short, I miss all of my New England friends and family, but I do believe I made the best decision for me at this point in my life. I am closer to my brother and nephew. I am closer to the angel (just in time to avoid heavenly withdrawl). And my new job and fresh start is just what the doctor ordered for my health... litterally. I will be updating more as time permits, but right now I want to get stuff done so I can leave a little early so I can take a nap before tie shopping with the Angel tonight. Laters All. The biggest aid to me pulling out of my doledrums (aside from the friendly assistance) is finally getting my job. I have been working for about two weeks now and I am loving every minute of it. Current Mood: optimistic (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
1:49 pm	A Penguin's Lament - Confessions of a Dying Soul - Part I Before you continue reading this, the following preface, warning, "heads-up", is issued. This is the only time that I will be using real names in my post... why you may ask? It is because what I am writing down is very serious and personal stuff that I don't want any confusion to whom I am addressing. Now before you get your skivies or panties in a knot (depending on gender), the comments addressed to people are not criticsms or critiques, but more so requests that are of a very important nature to me. Again, if you choose not to honor the request because you feel unable, or you just don't want to face an unevitable truth; even if it is years away, then I understand and will pass it along to another. If you are not mentioned, please don't take offense. It is not because I don't hold you close to my being and soul, or I care about you any less then those mentioned. I consider all who read this and all who will read this, even if in email form, dear and close friends. Another question that you may have is, "If this is so important, why address it in public forum?" That answer is simple for me even if not for you the reader. Writing helps me to place my mind at ease and gives me a place to vent. If I break down and cry, or if I bust out laughing, my emotions won't taint the meaning of the words. Sometimes this is a bad thing as emotion is required, especially in "one on one" confrontations, and for those scenarios I do try to handle them personally with few exceptions. This is NOT one of those scenarios. Yesterday, I had the biggest scare of my life as a diabetic. I woke up with a blood sugar of 37. Now what does this mean for those who don't know, it means I was a stone's through from a diabetic coma. I was able to move just enough to get sugar into me and call into work before I collapsed into bed. From about 7-11 a.m. I could verbally respond to the roommates, think, process... but my body would not move. I even had a biological function which I could not control, and that scared me even further. I work in a hospital and see this all the time, but when it happens to you, all I could do was break down from 11 until about 11:30 when the scare had passed and was over. I don't know if God was watching over me, but shortly after I jumped online and Jennifer was there. For some reason she too stayed home, planning to do things including some work, but none-the-less, whether she realized it or not, she allowed me to vent and get things somewhat into perspective. It is funny, cause sometimes she doesn't think she is there for me, but upon retrospect, I can never think of a time where she wasn't... even if she doesn't realize it. I don't know why the blood sugsr spiked low. My meds were normal, had eaten properly including pasta the night before which should have countered the insulin. Then this morning, at about 10:30 a.m., something happened concerning my Congestive Heart Failure (at least I think that was the cause). My pulse increased, fever spiked, blood pressure spiked, legs hurt and could barely walk, vomited twice, shakes and felt cold. I had to get picked up from work and come home at about 12:30 p.m. because I couldn't handle it. On the way home, I sat and thought as I watched the raindrops hit the passenger window, I am dying. It may not be for a number of years, but it is happening. "When a man sees his end, he wonders how people will speak his name." (A quote from Gladiator) Now don't get me wrong, I am far from throwing in the towel, because also from the same movie, "When a man meets death, all he can do is look it in the eye and smile." I have a lot of things I need to do and consider. I know that I am tired and weary from the battle that through my own actions I have created. I know that I will be filing for a DNR soon, but again, that doesn't mean I am giving up... The last thing I want is for people to feel bad for me, or get mad because they "think" this is a give-up post... It is NOT that, again I assure you. Hell if I have my way, I will defy the odds and outlast all of you, but I am also a realist, and need to face the truth. This will also motivate me to make sure I do things the way they are supposed to be done, rather then living in a pipe dream and cloaking my eyes from what I "need" to see. Now my request. I am setting up my ICE plan(kinda appropriate for a Penguin, No?) There are a few of you that I would like to send a small list of contacts to make sure information is dessiminated in the event of an emergency. If you have been able to read this far, please respond via email, yes or no. Nobody else will no your decision as it is just between you and I? The individuals are (and in no particular order): Jennifer German, my brother W.T., Nancy Gervais, Erin McIntosh, and Jen LaPete. You will all be marked as ICE #1 on my person. Others will be marked as must be contacted on the lists I hand out. This will help place my mind at ease, because I will know that all of my friends and family will be notified through this process. Thank you and I truly do love you all. K- aka Penguin King PS: There are going to be other posts, I am sure... but this is the important one. ;-) Current Mood: relieved (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 10th, 2005
4:45 pm	This Is My Life, Rated Life: 4.2 Mind: 5.2 Body: 4.1 Spirit: 5.4 Friends/Family: 2.6 Love: 0 Finance: 4.4 Take the Rate My Life Quiz Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
3:13 pm	The Words Have Been Spoken Well boys and girls, it finally happened. I finally had the long awaited conversation with The Protector and Cajun Star. I started with just the Protector to gage her stance on things, and surprisingly enough she seemed to be in agreement. I knew she would understand, but when dealing with a significant other, sometimes sides have to be chosen even if not to the best ends. However, I laid things out and she didn't seem to be upset or on edge in the slightest. When CS got back from the soda run, the three of us had the discussion. Well, in all honesty, it was basically me doing all of the talking, the Protector doing cooking and nodding in agreement, and CS just listening... or at least I hope he was. I laid it all out. There has to be more consideration. I told him that at my age, I have done everything he was doing about 4 times over, so stop trying to take me for the fool. I wasn't bluffed in the slightest and was quite frankly, pissed off. I only ask for a very few concessions, more for health reasons then anything else. I really didn't want to come off sounding like a dad chastising his kid, but that was the only way to shock some sense into him. So, what are the ramifications if he continues to ignore the requests? Well, for the Protector's sake... I inserted one step between nothing (which has been up to now) and kicking him out (which I know would be the more popular decision by many who read my posts. Right now, his only source of income is the Protector. I told him I was going to fine him $5 for each infraction. Because he doesn't work, that will definitely crimp his soda and rental fun. I told the Protector in our solo chat, that if this doesn't work in short order, I will have only one recourse. Since my heart is once again slowly being called to Michigan way, especially if the ALGC gets into MSU for vet school and my brother opts to stay in his home out there as well, the act of kicking CS back to Texas will not be as difficult because the need for finances from the Protector will not be needed as much. Oh and of course being able to see the Angel on a more reasonable occurrence would be a definite plus to the move as well. So we shall see. When all was said and done, CS did apologize and went to his room. The Protector, reminding me of Mrs. Claus (and I mean that as a compliment because it reminds me of good things) stood stirring her meatballs and gave me a nod and a crooked smile. I had to be dad for about 30 minutes, here's hoping I can just be a roommate now. The lines have been drawn, however, and hopefully he takes this seriously. If not, the Four Horsewomen will be invited over (The Pouncing Kitten, The Wrestling Queen, The Gremlin Queen, and The Angel) to help move him out. I hope we don't have to come to that, because I do like having the Protector as a roommate... she is coolies!!! ;) Current Mood: positive (4 Comments |Comment on this)
3:12 pm	You scored as The Operative. You are dedicated to your job and very good at what you do. You've done some very bad things, but they had to be done. You don't expect to go to heaven, but that is a sacrifice you've made for a better future for all. </td> The Operative 63% Shepherd Derrial Book 63% Capt. Mal Reynolds 50% Kaylee (Kaywinnet Lee) Frye 44% Zoe Alleyne Washburne 44% River Tam 44% Jayne Cobb 31% Simon Tam 31% Hoban 'Wash' Washburne 31% Inara Serra 25% Which Serenity character are you? created with QuizFarm.com (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 31st, 2005
11:58 am	More internalizations Sometimes I think the hardest thing about posting on the live journal is the blasted subject line. How in God's name do I know what I am going to write until I have written it, and even more so, after it has been written... only rarely do all the thoughts assume a general theme or topic. Good news, however, I finally had my discussion with the Gremlin Queen, and King for that matter, and I think we are now on a corrected course. It was a discussion that "I" probably needed more then them, but the King seemed a tad bit more at ease. I also got some very important insight from the Queen herself which made me look at recent conversations and activities in a different light. The Gremlin Queen got me this coolie Christmas Penguin scrub shirt. I wore it all weekend... lol... it made me feel so comfortable and safe. I even wore it to The Necromantic Elf's halloween party. BTW, the Elf was the hottest looking old crone I have ever seen... and anyone who knows the Penguin King's dating habits when he is actually looking... knows that crones are not the first choice age wise. lol I wasn't going to go to the party at first, but at the last moment something inspired me. I don't really know if it was because I had missed the Necromantic Elf, or maybe I just wanted to see the pouncing kitten, or maybe... I just needed to get out of the house. All I know is that originally I wasn't going to go, and next thing you know... I was on my ice float listening to Rock 101 and making my way to where the festivities where to be held. I am glad I went. I was feeling stressed and bummed when I left my igloo, and then after seeing the Elf and others, and after a poker game... I felt so much better. *Yawns* Sorry, am still adjusting to the time change. When I got home I thought about two individuals in particular... The Angel and the ALGC. They were just random thoughts that made me feel warm and made me smile. While the thoughts that rummaged through my brain were not of anything important or spectacular, the thoughts were enough to guide me to slumber land and fight off any dreams that would try to awaken me. Unfortunately, Sunday was not as pleasant. You see, it is time for another talk with my roommates. For those who don't know, the Protector moved in not that long ago... and as most do know... Cajun Star has been with me for a while longer. Now before I go further, I feel bad for the Protector because I always seem to end up dragging her into the middle... I don't mean to... but she is dating CS and I just can't deal with him anymore. He has a bad habit of "yes-ing" me to death and then doing what he damn well pleases when nobody is looking. His inconsiderate behavior is driving me loopie. Example... Do to my recent heart issues I am more vulnerable to smoke and temp changes... So I have asked him on no less then 5 separate occasions... please do not smoke in the house and make sure the door stays closed on his side of the apt. When he has his door open the cold air hits the only thermostat which means the rest of the apt is an oven. I am dying in my room, so I crack my window and when he does eventually close the door, I don't know and then my room becaomes an ice box because my window is still open. Also when his door is open, it acts like a jet stream sucking everything into the apt... the smoke he just left outside, the cold air, etc... and I even caught him smoking in the house even though he is aware of my heart condition. I am almost at the end of my rope, and I hate dragging the Protector into it, but she is the only one he listens too... even if just for a day or so. The Protector is an awesome roommate... she contributes to the household financially, responsibally, helps keep the common areas clean... while he... plays video games. I think he thinks I am a jerk, moron, someone he can pull the wool over... but I am not. I will talk to him again... and talk to the Protector. I don't ask for much, just common curtosy. I hope this time something will sink in... cuz I am having even more chest pains trying to avoid him and conflict for Protector's sake... but the childness and selfishness... has to stop. I am not his dad, cuz if I was he would already be out... but my caring for the Protector and her feelings is why it hasn't come to that yet. Wow... time to think more of pleasant things before I get sick again... ahhhh... the AGLC... The Angel... the hottest Elven Death Lady of Leicester (wow now there is a title)... the GQ... the PK and her special ring... okay I feel better now... *smirks* Laters. Current Mood: tired (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
3:38 pm	Random thoughts on the weekend I was sitting here in my humble igloo of craziness (work), when I began to think over what I had experienced over the weekend. They say if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... So... Trinity Con was... And on the lighter side, I got to see the Angel. While things were a little hectic as she fluttered about trying to absorb the friendship and love from all who were there, I got my fair share and it felt good. With the passage of time, one tends to forget a little, how much someone means, or how much they miss someone, until that person is seen again. Just being in the Angel's aura reminded me of how much I miss her, and also reminded me to cherish the time I got to have. I especially enjoyed the night time when we wound down, because then I got to talk at length and be the sole center of attention. I know that sounds selfish, but eh, so-be-it. I also got to see the Montreal Maiden, although not as much as I would have liked. Her schedule was even tighter due to coming in on Saturday and really busting tail for the convention, and being the Gremlin Queen's b'day present. It was a really cool idea that the Gremlin King came up with. He got a few of us to contribute to a plane ticket so the Maiden could fly out. I couldn't give too much, but I did the best I could... I was just glad I could be a small part of it. I made a promise under the witness of the Angel and the Pouncing Kitten that within the next 12 months I will be going to see the Maiden in her homeland. We had moments that were somewhat cool, whether it was just a hug or hello or getting my ear blown into... which tickled btw... But we are both looking forward to my visit up there. That way we can really spend some cool time with each other, just hanging out and not having to deal with anyone but the locals... lol... She will be all mine... MWAHAHAHA!!! The Pouncing Kitten did a great job at helping me bide the time. While actually on the convention site, I felt lonely and unwanted. I spent about 60% of the time just sitting in the lobby looking at people pass by having fun. The biggest issue was that none, and I am not exaggerating, none of the games I was involved with went off. The people I went to see were busy and even at times I felt like I was an intrusion and unwelcome. Anything that looked remotely interesting that I would play due to the cancellations of my events, were cancelled or full already. The Pouncing Kitten and her S.O. were awesome as they kept my spirits up and made things more palatable. The Pouncing Kitten pulled me up to her room where we played cards or just hung out, but they made me feel welcome. When the Maiden and the Angel were available... they too made me feel wanted and welcome... but they had others to attend to as well. It was this feeling that I let gnaw at me though, much to my shegrin and embarrassment. I snapped at the Gremlin Queen not once, but twice. It goes deeper then this, and the two of us will work it out as I value her too much to let silly things erode an awesome friendship. But suffice for you the readers, there was a miscommunication involving transportation, which led to stress, which led to more misunderstanding and a feeling of obtrussiveness which I had and me not bieng wanted to even be around her and the King, which led to me snapping at her, which led to a misunderstanding with the King himself, which further led to more uncomfortable feelings when in their presence... *Takes breath and sighs* Well... the Queen and I (no take off on the musical--told ya these were random thoughts) had a very brief conversation which started the healing and recovery process. We still have some stuff to hash out, but with all close relationships... rough spots will be hit and true friends will make it through... And we will do just that... While she is not at the pinacle of my friendship pyramid... she is pretty damn close... So if the King ever reads this... no threats, bullying, prompting, or side taking is necessary. While I may snap at times, I will never use derrogatory terms or degrade the fair Queen of Gremlinland... and the alliance will grow stronger with both kingdoms as the issues are ironed out. My voice may be loud, but I will always do my best to show respect as it is deserved. Just before the close of the weekend... The Angel, The Gremlin Queen, The Montreal Maiden, The Pouncing Kitten and her S.O., and myself sat in the lobby and joked and bantered and planned for a much better time next year. That was the first time I truly felt comfortable, the time in Heaven aside. (the Angel's home where she let me stay... thanks hun) I even got to know the Convention Comrade (don't know her well enough to give her a permanent name yet). The Angel, Kitten, S.O., and I then jumped into our boats and headed off to meet the Ann Arbor Acquaintance. I hope to give her a better name, too, once I get to know her better. The AAA was very nice and has a great sense of humor. It was fun to hang out with her and her friends. It was also nice to see the Kitten smile and the Angel smile too. They are both friends with AAA... I guess to the Angel, AAA should be AAF (Ann Arbor Friend) and to the Kitten an AABF (Ann Arbor Best Friend). Anyway it was a nice way to wrap things up. In closing, I didn't bother to proof read this entry so I apologize for any mispellings or gramatical errors. Also... to The Kitten and S.O., Thank you so very much. To the Angel, thank you for everything from giving me shelter, to letting me vent, to adjusting your schedule to get me back and forth to the con, to just being one of the sweetest gals I know... and don't forget to pick up your e-card and I will start filtering through your blog so I can comment. To the Montreal Maiden, I miss ya and look forward to seeing ya soon. And lastly... apologies to the Gremlin Queen and King... especially the Queen... we will sit down soon and iron all out... but know that no matter what... I love ya like a sis and will never turn on you... Laters All, The Penguin King. Current Mood: Reflective (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
11:07 am	It's Official Whelp... yep... it's official... I AM SICK!!!! Let be the first to thank my benifactor who was so gracious enough to pass along to me the lil bug (Gremlin Queen)... I am sure it is only because she believes in sharing... lol Seriously though, I do have a cold virus that is kicking me from pillar to post and is playing havoc with my system. Ever seen a sick penguin... ewwwwww... not a pretty sight. I am very seriously considering passing up on TC this weekend. It will depend on how I feel on Friday and if the Necromantic Elf and Angry Lawn Gnome Commander will be there... (especially the ALGC - winks) Now I am off to call my version of the vets' (PCP and Kidney doc) to reschedule and to start planning for my trip to Michigan. Oh and to the Angel, I plan on leaving my "pets" (cold virus) at home... ;) Laters All. Current Mood: sniffly and sneezing (Comment on this)